Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Personal Growth

I have to say that these past two years have been the most in personal growth, I think I have ever had.

I grew up just knowing who I was, what I liked and was always just sure confident in myself. I knew I was smart, pretty, a perfectionist, an athlete, a singer, a writer, a reader and a Catholic. To say I was cocky was putting it mildly. I was good at the things I loved and I reveled in it. For those that know me now, this would probably come as a complete shock.

Then I went to college. I went to Texas A&M because that was where Brent was. Was it my first pick? No. Was it ever on a list of colleges for me? No. I wanted to go to either The University of Texas or Notre Dame. But I chose to apply only to A&M because that's where Brent was and that was the choice for me (again note my complete confidence about being admitted because I did not apply to any other college--yes modesty was not a word I knew back then). And I hated it. Because I took the AP test for English I already had credit for freshman English so I was able to take the sophomore level of English. I got a professor that basically told us that we did not know how to think for ourselves because we had been taught all our lives to write an essay based on a topic given to us by our teachers (not true in my case, but probably true for most). We had to write essays based on topics we came up with ourselves, which I actually was excited about since I did that in high school and always did well. Yeah I didn't do well in college. Well I take that back, I didn't get the A+'s I was so accustomed to, instead I got low B's and high C's, gasp! For most these are great grades, but you are talking to a perfectionist here, one that always did overly well without much effort. It ticked me off to no end. That teacher frustrated the living hell out of me. I should also mention that I took a Geology course, one that was supposed to be an easy A course. I show up to the first day of class to find out that our professor was unable to teach the course and instead we would be getting the head of chemical engineering's Geology professor. Who then proceeds to tell us that he will not be altering his tests for us, we would have to learn the same thing as his chemical engineers, but he would give us a break and grade on a curve. Again imagine me, getting back a grade of a 50 which amounted to a high C.

So here I am at a college I didn't particularly want to be at, with just Brent and my roommate, classes that I expected to ace through and I just sank. Quickly. I did enjoy aspects of my time there, but not like I should have. I totally let it bring me down rather than standing up to it and fighting. I regret every moment of my college experience because I didn't truly take part in it, experience it, enjoy it. I am glad I went, I just wish I would have realized the blessing I had.

That whole experience just threw me and I stopped really growing or believing in myself. I lost sight of the things that I loved and lost sight of myself in it all. I just sleepwalked through life.

These past two years however have changed that. Something in me snapped, I don't know whether it was the diagnosis of lupus or just being sick of feeling sorry for myself. It was lame and I had to change it. I know me stepping back from the SOS group and the PTA helped me realize that while I was accomplishing a lot, I didn't truly enjoy it. It wasn't something that fueled me, my passions; something that would help me grow and prosper spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I needed to get back to the original me, the one that loves softball, loves reading and writing, loves listening to music and singing and loves taking pictures and being a part of church.

That's where I am now. I'm investing time in myself by starting a photography business which means reading all about it, practicing, talking to other photographers, looking at pictures online, etc. I'm also writing this blog, playing softball and volleyball and I volunteer at my church. I've never felt more alive, happy and incredibly blessed. I found me again and it's been wonderful :)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Maybe it's time to try this again...

Since the beginning of the year, I have been mulling over the idea about trying to blog again. Lately I have noticed that all my creative juices have left the building. While pondering why that would be, I realized that I haven't been actively pursuing my hobbies and creative outlets. I had become so wrapped up in helping with the PTA or running the moms group, that I had abandoned all my loves: writing, reading, crafting, scrapbooking and photography. So in an effort to bring them back into my life, I have read 5 books, am working avidly on my photo skills and am now starting this blog back up.

So only time will tell if I actually keep the promises to myself about being more creative :)